There are some things about ourselves, dearest Mortals, that we all want to ignore. Some deep truths are too hideous to acknowledge, you want to bury them away as deep as they will go.

A friend of mine, let’s call her Angela (have to love those code names), recently had a chat with me about one of my ugly truths. She thinks I have way too many female friends, especially since I’m a heterosexual male, and that if I were to enter into a relationship with someone down the line it may cause issues. Naturally (and rather defensively), I brought up a few points and possible counter measures if such a situation would arise. 

But it got into my head. That tiny thought, perhaps I do surround myself with a lot of women. Are they really just friends to me? Or are they, just maybe, examples of what I would want to end up with in a relationship? 

Could I see myself romantically with any of my friends? 

The ugly answer: Yes.

Whether it would or wouldn’t work with any of them is totally a moot point, the fact that I have so many female friends where any form of romantic attachment exists is kind of staggering. How can I have a healthy relationship with one woman when I fill my life with many? 

And I have had romantic encounters with a few of these friends already, so the seed of romance is already planted there for both parties. How is this even remotely healthy for me in the grand scheme of things?

So many questions and too many ugly truths.
Angela has quite the point, I grudgingly admit. 
I have a lot of things to work out in life, and this is just another chain that needs breaking. Acknowledge your own ugly truths, dear Mortals. Free your minds. Only then will you be content with yourselves.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

Today, dearest Mortals, is a day I have been silently dreading for about a month and a half.

It is the day my former love Harley is to marry that other Joker.

I should be happy for her, and I really want to be. On a certain level, my soul shines when she is happiest. But I feel the fundamental part of my heart, the core of my being, is shattering into a million pieces once more.

I love her. I have loved her for many years. And she loved me too, once upon a time.

For the briefest of moments in all my years, I was a complete and happy person. There were no krakens near when we were together. 

But then things changed. Maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe I had wronged her in some unforgivable way, whatever happened seemed to happen over night and from there on she only viewed me as a friend. I still loved her, but it was a one sided love.

She pursued other guys, and those guys all eventually failed her. None of them were truly worthy, they were all selfish fools.

Still I fought for her, catching her every time she fell, putting her back together whenever she was in pieces, and reminding her she was beautiful whenever she felt differently.

She always yearned to meet a very specific kind of guy, and she basically always described me essentially, yet somehow I wasn’t enough.

Then, out of the blue, this new Joker shows up and sweeps her off her feet in the course of several months. And just like that, I was obsolete. She didn’t need me anymore, so she gradually has been cycling me out of her life. She didn’t even tell me of her engagement, I found out through social media. We were once the closest of friends, but now she has a new best friend and I don’t matter.

“And in the end, as the darkness takes me, I am nothing.”                           

“Knights of the Old Republic”, BioWare, 2003

My dear Harley, I just want you to know I am happy that you have found your love. I hope you have the happily ever after that I’ve always wanted for you. I love you. Always.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

It’s time for a confession, my dear Mortals:

I have a crippling fear of letting go of things.

People

Memories

Inanimate Objects

I can’t ever bring myself to be free of the past. The past, to me, is like a chain holding me into place. Every little thing I am unable to let go of is a new chain added. These chains hold me back from, well, everything.

The chains of past relationships I just can’t seem to put behind me, they hold me back from exploring new love.

The chains that hold me to my current job, a job I’ve worked at for just over ten years, they hold me back from seeking out new opportunities. They keep me from growing, and keep me from reaching my full potential.

The chains of past grudges, they hold me back from ever being close to other people.

These chains hold me in place, and make it that much easier for the kraken that is my depression to wrap its tentacles around me, as if I’m a sacrifice to some hungry predator.

To ever be free, I must break these chains. It requires a strength that I don’t even think I have anymore. But I will find a way. I have to find a way; I have no other choice there.

The moral here, dearest Mortals, is don’t let the chains of the past hold you back as they do me. If you find they do hold you back, the only path to freedom is to break those chains. It isn’t easy, but nothing worth it in life ever is.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

 

 

My dearest Mortals, hello!
I am returning to my home bridge after spending a weekend away in Boston, and it has given me some time to think about things in life (as well as some much needed relaxation).

Something that came up recently, as I was chatting with a friend, was how I often go through my battles alone. It isn’t that I don’t have anyone in my life to battle by my side, I just always happen to push people away when things get rough.

When I am sinking, and that kraken has its tentacles wrapped firmly around me and begins pulling me further into the abyss, my mindset is I don’t want to pull those I care about down with me. I don’t want them to drown with me, so I push them far away (despite the fact that they may be very capable of fighting off the krakens with me). I don’t want others to drown with me, yet pushing them away causes them to panic and drown in their own sorrow anyway.

And despite knowing I’m probably causing more trouble and sadness by pushing people away, I still persist with the “lone wolf” attitude. Humans are pack animals, we are not meant to be alone.

My goal in my social life is to be more apart of the wolf pack. It won’t be easy (nothing worth it in life ever is), but I feel I will be better off for it.

“I say to you all, once again – in the light of Lord Voldemort’s return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.”

“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”, chapter 37, page 723

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off. 

Hello again, Mortals! 
My adventures in Boston have come to a close for this year, but what a fantastic adventure it was!

The main point of my journey was to attend the gaming convention known as the Penny Arcade Expo, or PAX East for short. I totally enjoyed my time at PAX East 2016! I met some cool people, bought some cool stuff, and spent quality time with some good friends. In short, it was an amazing experience! 

Aside from the convention, I explored the Boston area a bit too. The city is quite beautiful, with tons of history behind it. Every building seems to tell a story, and I am deeply interested in all of Boston’s lore. I also ate at a number of awesome establishments, such as the Cheers pub, John Harvard’s Brewery & Ale House, and The Butcher Shop (all were wonderful, by the way). 

I definitely enjoyed my experiences in this amazing city, and I really hope to return in the near future.
Until we meet again, my dear Boston Mortals, this is the denizen under the bridge signing off.

My dearest Mortals, I have returned.
It feels like it’s been forever since my last post (in reality, it’s been over a month). I’ve had a bit of a writer’s block of sorts in regards to blogging, though I’ve been writing a bit for a Dungeons & Dragons group I started, so that’s something I guess.
So what has happened this month?

I started a D&D group, a friend/former love interest got engaged, I got über depressed, and I lost a friendship. And it happened almost exactly in that order. All in all, I’ve had better months. But, on the bright side, I made it through the month. 

Losing my friend (let’s call her… Alice), and seeing the other friend get engaged (Harley from a few episodes back, go figure) has really taken its toll on me. I want to feel happy for Harley, but it hurts to see her engaged to some other Joker. And as for Alice, well, she fell down the rabbit hole for me (if you catch my meaning), but I really didn’t see her that way. My not feeling for her that way hurt her, and in the process our entire friendship deteriorated. 

Truth is, I feel really empty and isolated. I feel like I’m getting pulled further underwater with each passing day. I can’t seem to break free of the tentacles this time.

I just have to keep swimming, I guess.

Until next time, think happy thoughts, my dear Mortals. 

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

A question for you, my dear Mortals:

When you gaze into a mirror, what do you see?

Do you see a strong, confident, and beautiful individual?

Or do you see a pathetic, meek, and unattractive monster?

It is a powerful tour of introspection, but an incredibly important thing to think about. How we see ourselves has major consequences on every facet of our lives.

I don’t love myself, I never really have. I like myself, and I like certain aspects of my own personality, but it’s really no secret to those that know me well that I really don’t “love” myself. I have never seen my own value, or even my own inner beauty.

So what started this inferiority complex?

The truth is, I really don’t know how it began.

I’ve always been shy and introverted. I never had a great social life, and the few friends I did have were always more extroverted than myself. My best friend growing up was “intellectually gifted” according to the school system, and he always went to the “gifted” classes or “gifted” schools and hung around his “gifted” friends (which is totally acceptable, don’t get me wrong). I eventually lost contact with him, and we never really reconnected. And in high school, one of my best friends (and on/off love interest) possessed a very dominant nature. She was well meaning and a good person at her core, but in the end our relationship became sort of toxic to both of us (and we both sort of knew it). I walked out of high school with more emotional blemishes than I had going in, which likely added to my inferiority complex.

Regardless of how (or where) it began, there are a number of factors that aid in my feelings of inferiority, such as my depression issues (thanks Greta), or my love-life woes, or just my general lack of a path in life. I am a mess, so it is extremely easy for me to not see anything more in my reflection than some pathetic excuse of a man that totally doesn’t have any of his life together.

 

“If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return, by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?”

“Beauty and the Beast”, Walt Disney Pictures, 1991

 

So in closing, my lovely Mortals, I want to ask that every one of you look inwards and try to see the beauty instead of the beast. It is harder than it sounds, believe me I know, but in the end you will be more empowered because of it.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

 

Hello there, Mortals.

So another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and I can still feel the memories of unresolved feelings churning in my mind.

I have had many loves in my twenty-nine years, but only a few really stand out as painful reminders of how utterly careless I’ve been in my love life. I feel the need to discuss it somewhere and to someone, so what better place than here?

I want to get certain emotions out in the open, to tell some of you (who may be reading this) how I feel. Luckily for those of you that this directly concerns, I will not disclose your identities.

So first up… Let’s call her Harley (after one of my favorite Batman villains).

So “Harley” came about after a rather not too great time in my existence, and I can honestly say I’ve never really loved anyone more than I did her. She was my level of geek, she intimately understood how I was hardwired as a person, and she somehow saw the man behind the beast. The failure of what could have been the greatest relationship the cosmos has ever witnessed doesn’t belong on one head. We both failed each other in different ways, and though she has moved on from me and found herself a loving man, I still have never really moved on from her.

My failure haunts me every day. I all too often compare other women to her, and compare the happiness I felt around her to what I feel around others. It’s an unfair comparison, and I’ve doomed many possible relationships due to this bias.

So…second up on my list…

Let us call her Sega (yes, after the 90s game system, don’t judge).

Sega was a victim of my horrid people skills. She was (and always shall be) a radiant beacon in my kraken-infested life. She put up with so much unnecessary drama, and I put her through a lot of drama. One thing I’d like to say here:

Sega (you probably know who you are), I have loved you every day since the day I met you. I am so very sorry for not being the person you deserved, and I am absolutely happy that you found that one person that did deserve you. I hope with all of my heart that he makes you the happiest person alive for the rest of eternity and beyond.

And thirdly… I shall call you Red.

You make this list because I have failed you, both as a friend and as a lover. You’ve been fantastic to me for the few years we’ve known each other, and I really haven’t been that fantastic to you; I’ve neglected you and taken you for granted. Your beautiful heart deserves so much love and compassion, and you’re one of few I have judged separately from my previously mentioned comparisons (because you totally stand out on your own).

So to Harley, Sega, and Red: You three are absolutely beautiful, both in body and spirit.
I adore you all and I always will.

 

“From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
‘After all this time?’
‘Always’ said Snape.”

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, chapter 33, page 687

 

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

Welcome back, Mortals!
Have you ever been swimming in the sea, minding your own business and such, when suddenly you find yourself getting pulled under the water (with little to no escape or luck)?
Yeah, me neither, but that is generally what having an episode of depression basically feels like. You’re living your life (you’re feeling good) then suddenly, like a great kraken, depression comes from below and wraps its dark tentacles around you. You try to fight back and break free of its grasp, but it only makes it squeeze harder and pull you deeper into the abyss.

Yes, I have had many battles with my own kraken, and yes, I know all too well how hard it is to swim back to the surface once it has let you loose. You often just want to give up and sink to the bottom without the kraken’s help. It’s tiring to keep swimming, and you wish everyday that a dolphin or a (very pretty) mermaid swims by to help you to the surface. 

But you also learn how to rely on your own inner strength to save you, because no one but you can save you. 
I have been living with my kraken for some time now (her name is Greta, she likes starlit swims in the abyss and she listens to Bowie), so I’ve learned to live with it all. I know ways to loosen the grasp of the tentacles and break free (writing being one of them).
So to all the Mortals I call friends that may have their own krakens to deal with, I just want you to know how much I admire your strength. Don’t ever stop swimming. I believe in you, and I always will.

This is the denizen under the bridge (and Greta), signing off.

Alas we meet yet again, Mortals!

As January is coming to a swift close and February is on the horizon, I tend to get a tad cynical due to a certain day in this second month of the year. It’s a day most single people dread (or even hate with a fiery passion). That’s right: Valentine’s Day.

While it is true ole V-Day was largely created by greeting card and candy companies to profit off couples who see the world through rose-tinted goggles, I still feel a tinge of sadness when this day rolls around. V-Day reminds me of how utterly alone I feel in the relationship department.

When I go to any number of social media outlets and see couples being cute together and posting their puppy love everywhere they can, I totally see exactly what is missing from my own life. I lack a companion, someone to go out on adventures with and live life to the fullest together; Someone who doesn’t mind making out in public (I have no shame), or going for a long bike ride to wherever, or going out at midnight to get milkshakes (gotta love those shake cravings), or engaging in a random lightsaber battle at a public park while in full cosplay. Simply, I want to be with someone who accepts me for all of my quirks and all of my flaws.

I have tried to solve my love life dilemma by going on a number of dating websites. While they are a good idea on paper, it totally takes away the whole social aspect of getting to know someone, which totally defeats the whole point of the websites. Most of the time, chatting with someone never makes it past the online stage (thus putting me back to square one). I’ve sort of become quite disenchanted with the whole online dating thing, which means I’ll have to figure out other ways of meeting people.

So I continue onward in my quest for love, destination unknown.

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, chapter 35, page 722

 

Until next time, this is the denizen under the bridge signing off.