My Dear Mortals, it has been yet another extended vacation. A three-year break. This wasn’t intentional, just an unfortunate side effect of losing track of time. 

So where did we leave things off? 

I don’t remember either. So, what has happened since we last chatted…

Well, I’m an uncle. Again. That makes me a DOUBLE UNCLE! Yes, I’m ecstatic and you should be too. Those kiddos are adorable, and they’re already growing up too fast. It does make me kind of want little goblins of my own. Someone to carry on this legacy (because, let’s face it, who’s going to remember this blog in twenty years). I feel like the clock is ticking on such things, but perhaps there’s still time. We shall see. Maybe by my next blog post several years from now I’ll have a Mrs. Denizen and a little one on the way. One can dream…

Moving along.

What’s new about the state of the world? Not much, really. We’re still a planet recovering from a plague, always on the brink of societal collapse, and probably an idiot away from the next war. We “evolve” as a race, technology marches on, and things never truly change. 

So enough about that! Let’s move onto something more interesting.

How about more of my ramblings on life, the universe, and everything in-between. I feel there’s still a lot to talk about, but I’m not going to fill this return post to the brim with it.

Just know that I am back, I am armed with this blog, and I have more things to say.

Keep your eyes on the skies, I shall return (hopefully sooner this time).

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

My Dearest Mortals, I have missed you.

What has transpired in my absence? A lot, if I’m being honest. How does one fit five years into a few sentences without turning it into a novel? Well, let’s break it down with the obvious stuff:

1. We’re over two years into a global pandemic! That’s something I’d only thought would occur in a movie or horror novel, but it’s here and happening. Heck, I actually caught the blasted bug in January (I’m vaccinated, so it was like a bad case of the flu that only lasted a few days). Surreal stuff, to be sure.

2. On a personal level, I’m an Uncle now! Uncle Denizen has a nice ring to it, and I couldn’t be prouder of my little niece. She’s so adorable! 🙂

3. I quit my old job of eleven years in 2017. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it needed to be done. The workplace had become toxic and I had to grow my roots beyond the boundaries being placed before me. It was a necessary change that I absolutely don’t regret.

4. I became a full-time employee at my current job! I don’t see this being a forever job, but it helps my self-confidence nonetheless.

5. I’m still writing out a draft of my book. It’s a lengthy process, but I’m getting through it. I look forward to whatever next step lies ahead of my literary journey!

6. And as of writing this, I’m putting plans into motion to move into an apartment with a good friend of mine. Relocating to a different environment is always exciting yet tough, so I may be turning to this outlet a bit more in the near future.

Well, that’s the main stuff. Of course there’s more, but I’ll save that for another chapter. It’s good to be home, at long last.

As always, this is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

Have you ever fallen in love?

It is one of the most amazing things you’ll ever experience.

It is also one of the most destructive forces you’ll ever know.

 

I’ve been in love.

Twice, to be exact.

I have never felt more alive than when I was in the presence of either of these two individuals. I have covered one of these experiences in a few previous Episodes with someone I’ve codenamed “Harley” (we don’t use real names here, for privacy purposes).

But as for the other… Let’s call her Ave.

Ave and I met on an online dating website, and we clicked almost instantly. At the time of our meeting, she lived out of state, but over the course of a few months she found her way to sunny Florida. Then came the day where we decided to meet in person (circa summer 2008). She came over to my house, and as I saw her for the first time in person (as photographs online provide a mask of sorts) I can truly say I had never before seen anyone more beautiful in all my life. Then we went out on our daytrip date and I fell in love with her personality.

And now it should be noted that at this point in my life, I was still very much a virgin (yes, I waited until I was 21). This is important because in the span of a few hours spent with Ave I had decided that she was the one that I wished to have my first time with.

So I lost my virginity to her.

I chose her because I felt the seeds of something powerful between us. I knew, at my core, that I had fallen for her.

Typically in the movies, this is where the “And They Lived Happily Ever After” line pops up. But this isn’t the movies, and stuff doesn’t always turn out the way you want.

Ave and I never got together. Not officially, anyway.

We would spend a lot of time together over the course of the next four years, and we would fool around sexually more, but we never actually became anything more than friends-with-benefits. But my love for her grew, and I made a point to tell her this wherever possible.

Then in 2012, she left Florida to live on the West Coast.

And yet, my heart still longed for her.

I haven’t seen her since. She had a series of medical issues a few years ago, and I leapt at the opportunity to help her financially with that (at the sacrifice of the little funds I had). I had hoped that my willingness to help her in her time of need would’ve shown her how deeply I cared for her, that I was willing to give up my own resources to help save her from her problems.

And for a brief moment in time, I thought I had succeeded. She told me multiple times (and on multiple occasions) that she had loved me too. But still, nothing ever came of it. Despite the fact that she told me she loved me, it felt as if we would never be together.

Even a few months ago this year (circa June), Ave made references to missing my touch and desiring to be with me. I felt that love reawaken, but I was cautious about it. I didn’t really know whether to fully trust what she had to say.

I love her, even as I type this, but I was right to be guarded against her in June. Today I learned that she is engaged to be married. Just over three months ago she was mentioning that she missed how I kissed her, and now she is engaged to some other guy.

I’m starting to think that I fall in love with the wrong women.

Why do I give my heart to people that pretend to want it?

Why do I care about people that are totally unworthy?

Why am I not enough?

 

That last question races through my head more than any other.

 

Why am I not enough?

 

Is it because I’m not some attractive British dude?

Is it because I’m too nice?

Is it because I’ve turned cold after all these years…?

 

I’ve fallen in love twice, and both times I’ve fallen for someone who ultimately didn’t love me.

Dearest Mortals, if you do find you are falling in love, please be certain that they are truly worth it. Your lovely hearts are too precious to risk on a whim. Choose wisely.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

 

You have come to the last window, my lovely Mortals.

It is no secret that people have a natural fear of the unknown. Whether you admit it or not, there is something extremely scary about not knowing what lies ahead.

Popular fiction will paint for you a future made up of bleaker colors than exist in your Today. Dystopia, war, famine, death, and/or destruction make up the world on the horizon, and it feels horrible. Sure, a Great Robot War or an Undead Apocalypse sounds sort of interesting (and perhaps even intriguing), but it does nothing but show that our world is in a downward spiral.

Even non-fiction seems to make us feel like this world is destined for dark things, as corrupt politicians fight it out for absolute power, religions keep everyone separated, and fear generally reigns supreme. Such is the world we live in today, why should it be any different in the future?

I watched a movie recently that had much of this in its general plotline, but the movie’s overall theme wasn’t bleakness. In fact, the point of the movie was optimism and its power to create a brighter future. It made me think… What if the future is bright?

What if the future was upbeat and wonderful, like this film suggested was a possibility? Are any of us capable of accepting such a future?

 

“They didn’t fear their demise, they re-packaged it. It could be enjoyed as videogames, as TV shows, books, movies; the entire world wholeheartedly embraced the apocalypse and sprinted towards it with gleeful abandon. Meanwhile, your Earth was crumbling all around you. You’ve got simultaneous epidemics of obesity and starvation. Explain that one! Bees and butterflies start to disappear, the glaciers melt, algae blooms. All around you the coal mine canaries are dropping dead and you won’t take the hint! In every moment there’s the possibility of a better future, but you people won’t believe it. And because you won’t believe it you won’t do what is necessary to make it a reality. So, you dwell on this terrible future. You resign yourselves to it for one reason, because that future does not ask anything of you today. So yes, we saw the iceberg and warned the Titanic. But you all just steered for it anyway, full steam ahead. Why? Because you want to sink.” “Tomorrowland”, Walt Disney Pictures, 2015

 

Looking through this window is daunting, and likely the most important window of all. Will one resign to darkness and despair because it is easier, or dare to hope and keep that light in their eyes just long enough to see that there can be a bright and beautiful future?

 

“There are two wolves and they are always fighting. One is darkness and despair. The other is light and hope. Which wolf wins?”                                                            “Tomorrowland”, Walt Disney Pictures, 2015

 

The answer to that is whichever one you feed.                                                                          (Yes, I’ve just quoted one movie twice. You should check it out if you haven’t already, it is definitely worth a watch.)

Make sure you’re feeding the right wolf, dearest Mortals.

 

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

This next window, my lovely Mortals, might be a tough pill to swallow.

After looking through a number of the social media profiles of the Class of 2005, it began to hit me hard as to where I stand today. So many of them have fully functioning lives, with families, and educations, and even careers. I can’t help but wonder what went wrong in my life as I gaze through the Bleak Window of Today.

As I look out this window, I see a vast sea filled with so many krakens. They are beckoning me to come join them. And out beyond that, there it is, the master of the krakens (the final eldritch horror and the very core of my depression). And it looks like me. It is me if I give myself fully to the monster within.

Things always seem so bleak in the world today. Just turn on the news and you’ll see many stories of violence and horror, of corrupt politicians vying for power, and of absolute hopelessness. It truly is a bleak view indeed.

On a more personal scale, I see my Today as troubled. I can’t seem to keep social relationships alive (romantic or platonic), I am employed at a dead-end job and I don’t have the academic backing to get anything above a minimum wage job (and there’s society making it perfectly clear that us minimum wagers aren’t good enough for the world), and I am an emotional mess (with depression and strong hints of other “undiagnosed” stuff). My personal world, like the world in general, is a bleak canvas.

One can go utterly insane just focusing on the now.

That is where window three comes into play…

 

Welcome to the first window, my lovely Mortals.

While doing some organizing (to help combat the kraken) I came across my middle school and high school yearbooks. Naturally I opened them up, and I was instantly looking through the Bright Window of Yesterday.

It’s amazing how much time has passed, and how much I’ve grown as a person.

It is strange that every time I think back to my childhood, everything just seems so bright and happy. Perhaps that is the way it is with everyone, we all see things as brighter than they are today.

As I gazed upon the familiar faces of those I attended school with, I felt a floodgate of memories and warm feelings open up. These small things we forget about as time passes us by, returning just as suddenly and just as powerful.

Out of curiosity, I turned to the wonders of social media to see what has become of those I spent so much time around as a youth. Many of them, if not most, have families of their own now. They are also leaving their twenties behind and entering their thirties. The torch has been officially passed on to my generation to be the adults now.

Yet, a lot of things from my generation’s past are becoming relevant again.

For example, just the other week, I was walking around an old mall I frequented when I was a teenager, and people (including myself) were wandering about catching certain “pocket monsters” while an old Britney Spears song played overhead. For a brief few moments, it was the late 90s once again. It was quite surreal, really.

So many fantastic adventures were had back in the day. But we must not linger too long within the past, or we may become absorbed by it.

 

It is at this time that we turn to a different window, dearest Mortals…

Greetings, Mortals! It has been too long.

Well, it has been about three months, but anyways…

I am coming out of a depression episode as I write this, and I almost always have the same experience when I do. To fully understand it, I will paint it this way for you:

Imagine, if you will, that you have finally escaped the tentacles of the eldritch horror that is your depression. You pull yourself from the abyss into a long and dark hallway. You’re so close to the end, and you almost feel a bit happy. Well, you reach the end of this hallway and find yourself standing in an empty room, a room with three windows. You know these windows all too well; you’ve seen them countless times before.

They are as follows:

 

The Bright Window of Yesterday

The Bleak Window of Today

The Indefinite Window of Tomorrow

 

You look through each window in that order, and when you are finished you are filled with a mix of emotions. Some happy, some sad, but all relevant to the person you are today. You leave that room a bit changed, for better or for worse.

The next three Episodes will elaborate on each window. Perhaps, in studying them, I can find a way of defeating my krakens once and for all.

In any case, dearest Mortals, you are coming along for the ride.

(Warning: Please keep your hands and legs inside the ride vehicle at all times. And please no flash photography. Thank You!)

 

My Dear Mortals,
I have yet another hidden thing about myself that I am finally acknowledging: I have anxiety, specifically when dealing with people over the phone.

So my car experienced an issue yesterday, and I knew I had to call the local maintenance shop to get it resolved. It is something that won’t resolve itself, and it requires a mechanic to fix. 

So the first step is to call the shop to set up an appointment. And yet, I find this simple task to be the most difficult thing ever. 

I just have to pick up the phone and call someone, but I can’t. 

I don’t know why it stresses me out so much. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt uncomfortable with making a phone call either. It happens when I want to order a pizza, or when I want to call someone for a work related issue, or when I need to set up an appointment. 

Trying to explain to people why I hate making phone calls is always an uphill battle (it’s the same with trying to explain depression, but that’s a totally different story). It’s sort of embarrassing to admit to this, as setting up appointments (or ordering food) over the phone should be something I’ve mastered by now. But I haven’t, and it’s frustrating.

How does one go about fixing this?
I don’t really know either, but I suspect facing my fear head on is a good start. 

Maybe it gets easier the more I do it.

Or maybe not. 

Only one way to find out, I suppose.

This is the (sort of anxious) denizen under the bridge, signing off.