Have you ever fallen in love?

It is one of the most amazing things you’ll ever experience.

It is also one of the most destructive forces you’ll ever know.

 

I’ve been in love.

Twice, to be exact.

I have never felt more alive than when I was in the presence of either of these two individuals. I have covered one of these experiences in a few previous Episodes with someone I’ve codenamed “Harley” (we don’t use real names here, for privacy purposes).

But as for the other… Let’s call her Ave.

Ave and I met on an online dating website, and we clicked almost instantly. At the time of our meeting, she lived out of state, but over the course of a few months she found her way to sunny Florida. Then came the day where we decided to meet in person (circa summer 2008). She came over to my house, and as I saw her for the first time in person (as photographs online provide a mask of sorts) I can truly say I had never before seen anyone more beautiful in all my life. Then we went out on our daytrip date and I fell in love with her personality.

And now it should be noted that at this point in my life, I was still very much a virgin (yes, I waited until I was 21). This is important because in the span of a few hours spent with Ave I had decided that she was the one that I wished to have my first time with.

So I lost my virginity to her.

I chose her because I felt the seeds of something powerful between us. I knew, at my core, that I had fallen for her.

Typically in the movies, this is where the “And They Lived Happily Ever After” line pops up. But this isn’t the movies, and stuff doesn’t always turn out the way you want.

Ave and I never got together. Not officially, anyway.

We would spend a lot of time together over the course of the next four years, and we would fool around sexually more, but we never actually became anything more than friends-with-benefits. But my love for her grew, and I made a point to tell her this wherever possible.

Then in 2012, she left Florida to live on the West Coast.

And yet, my heart still longed for her.

I haven’t seen her since. She had a series of medical issues a few years ago, and I leapt at the opportunity to help her financially with that (at the sacrifice of the little funds I had). I had hoped that my willingness to help her in her time of need would’ve shown her how deeply I cared for her, that I was willing to give up my own resources to help save her from her problems.

And for a brief moment in time, I thought I had succeeded. She told me multiple times (and on multiple occasions) that she had loved me too. But still, nothing ever came of it. Despite the fact that she told me she loved me, it felt as if we would never be together.

Even a few months ago this year (circa June), Ave made references to missing my touch and desiring to be with me. I felt that love reawaken, but I was cautious about it. I didn’t really know whether to fully trust what she had to say.

I love her, even as I type this, but I was right to be guarded against her in June. Today I learned that she is engaged to be married. Just over three months ago she was mentioning that she missed how I kissed her, and now she is engaged to some other guy.

I’m starting to think that I fall in love with the wrong women.

Why do I give my heart to people that pretend to want it?

Why do I care about people that are totally unworthy?

Why am I not enough?

 

That last question races through my head more than any other.

 

Why am I not enough?

 

Is it because I’m not some attractive British dude?

Is it because I’m too nice?

Is it because I’ve turned cold after all these years…?

 

I’ve fallen in love twice, and both times I’ve fallen for someone who ultimately didn’t love me.

Dearest Mortals, if you do find you are falling in love, please be certain that they are truly worth it. Your lovely hearts are too precious to risk on a whim. Choose wisely.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.