There are some things about ourselves, dearest Mortals, that we all want to ignore. Some deep truths are too hideous to acknowledge, you want to bury them away as deep as they will go.

A friend of mine, let’s call her Angela (have to love those code names), recently had a chat with me about one of my ugly truths. She thinks I have way too many female friends, especially since I’m a heterosexual male, and that if I were to enter into a relationship with someone down the line it may cause issues. Naturally (and rather defensively), I brought up a few points and possible counter measures if such a situation would arise. 

But it got into my head. That tiny thought, perhaps I do surround myself with a lot of women. Are they really just friends to me? Or are they, just maybe, examples of what I would want to end up with in a relationship? 

Could I see myself romantically with any of my friends? 

The ugly answer: Yes.

Whether it would or wouldn’t work with any of them is totally a moot point, the fact that I have so many female friends where any form of romantic attachment exists is kind of staggering. How can I have a healthy relationship with one woman when I fill my life with many? 

And I have had romantic encounters with a few of these friends already, so the seed of romance is already planted there for both parties. How is this even remotely healthy for me in the grand scheme of things?

So many questions and too many ugly truths.
Angela has quite the point, I grudgingly admit. 
I have a lot of things to work out in life, and this is just another chain that needs breaking. Acknowledge your own ugly truths, dear Mortals. Free your minds. Only then will you be content with yourselves.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.

Today, dearest Mortals, is a day I have been silently dreading for about a month and a half.

It is the day my former love Harley is to marry that other Joker.

I should be happy for her, and I really want to be. On a certain level, my soul shines when she is happiest. But I feel the fundamental part of my heart, the core of my being, is shattering into a million pieces once more.

I love her. I have loved her for many years. And she loved me too, once upon a time.

For the briefest of moments in all my years, I was a complete and happy person. There were no krakens near when we were together. 

But then things changed. Maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe I had wronged her in some unforgivable way, whatever happened seemed to happen over night and from there on she only viewed me as a friend. I still loved her, but it was a one sided love.

She pursued other guys, and those guys all eventually failed her. None of them were truly worthy, they were all selfish fools.

Still I fought for her, catching her every time she fell, putting her back together whenever she was in pieces, and reminding her she was beautiful whenever she felt differently.

She always yearned to meet a very specific kind of guy, and she basically always described me essentially, yet somehow I wasn’t enough.

Then, out of the blue, this new Joker shows up and sweeps her off her feet in the course of several months. And just like that, I was obsolete. She didn’t need me anymore, so she gradually has been cycling me out of her life. She didn’t even tell me of her engagement, I found out through social media. We were once the closest of friends, but now she has a new best friend and I don’t matter.

“And in the end, as the darkness takes me, I am nothing.”                           

“Knights of the Old Republic”, BioWare, 2003

My dear Harley, I just want you to know I am happy that you have found your love. I hope you have the happily ever after that I’ve always wanted for you. I love you. Always.

This is the denizen under the bridge, signing off.